I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
