PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
