he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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