like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize