I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
