Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
