after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm sobbing to NWA
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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