its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
