i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
