he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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