I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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