Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
