if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
