Please, let me fuck your mom
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
