2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Randomize
