I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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