Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
That accounts for only three of the penises
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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