you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize