The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
