Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
