omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
