xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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