I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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