Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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