you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
