Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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