what day is it and did you see me today?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
