Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
