When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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