you're like a bully in the Christmas story
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
