Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
