we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
