Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize