I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize