we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Randomize
