Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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