so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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