life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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