somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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