i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
