apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
