Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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