Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
