making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
