I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
