when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
