You can't special order awesome
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
