walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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