Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
