A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
