On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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