Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
