just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
