Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
