So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
