it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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