maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
