if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
