I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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