I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
