also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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