Yo dont text me then not text me
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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